Beware the Jailor!
How is it that really intelligent people find themselves in abusive relationships? As it turns out, there are a couple of factors at work.
First, if you keep finding yourself in this situation, stop beating yourself up. We all have a desire to be loved, valued and cared for. If you started being the victim of abuse early in life, you might feel an urgency to find someone who is not an abuser. That need – believe it or not – makes you more susceptible to what I’m going to call, the “Jailor”.
The Jailor is a person who, (consciously or unconsciously) has a little jail cell in their mind. The jailor has a desperate need to fill that cell with someone, with anyone. This is where the prisoner (that’s the abusee) gets lured in.
You see, the Jailor has a “superpower”. The superpower is to detect candidates to become prisoners. The jailor will usually be working on more than one candidate at a time, even when there is someone already in the jail cell.
Once a candidate is identified, the jailor will turn on the charm. The jailor will do all the right things, say all the right words and fill the void in the candidate’s life. The candidate will feel the care and love they crave. The relationship will develop and the two will find themselves exchanging keys in a very short period of time – within weeks or sometimes even days!
After the move in, the honeymoon bliss continues for a period of time known as the, well, honeymoon period. In this time, the prisoner feels they have found their ‘soul mate’ and sets their heart on a long-term relationship. Very gradually, the jailor will begin to separate the prisoner from anyone in their support system. This might include long-time friends and even family members. This is another of the jailor’s super-powers. It is done with a covert process of discrediting in the beginning but may escalate into direct criticism. The jailor may use other tactics to increase isolation disguised as a desire to be with the prisoner, like showing up at the prisoner’s workplace or scheduling romantic dates and getaways when the prisoner would otherwise be with friends or family. And when challenged, the jailor will say “I just want to be with you” – “You’re all I need” – “I just love you so much…”.
Once the jailor senses the perfect balance of conditions, it happens. The door on the cell slams shut! The game changes at this point and the jailor shows other emotions (if you can call them ‘emotions’). They include jealousy, hypersensitivity (easily angered or offended), moodiness (also known as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde), displays of physical superiority designed to show they can overpower the prisoner, and a display of knowledge in the use of weapons (cleaning or playing with weapons in the presence of the prisoner). At this point, the jailor’s motive it to get the prisoner to a state where the cell door can be left open and the prisoner won’t leave. The chains that hold the prisoner in the cage are feelings of fear, isolation and crippling self-doubt. The prisoner knows the door is open, but they don’t think anyone will help them, or they won’t be wanted by anyone else, or they are afraid of physical harm to themselves or another family member.
Are you participating in this system in some way? Are you, or have you been a jailor? Attributes of a jailor include:
1. History or active substance abuse
2. History of violence or incarceration
3. Hypersensitivity
4. Blames others for their problems and past abusive behaviors
5. Fast relationship involvement – may be seeing several people at a time
6. Jealous of others
If you are a jailor, figure out why (I’ll talk about that in a future blog).
Are you or have you been a prisoner? If you have, slow down when you meet someone. If they have three or more of these attributes, steer clear! If you are currently a prisoner, GET HELP and GET OUT! The jailor / prisoner relationship is very unhealthy for both participants and any children trapped in the tornado.
You can get help at:
SAFENEST: https://safenest.org/get-help-now/
S.A.F.E. House, Inc.: http://safehousenv.org/
Nevada211.org – OR – dial 211 on your cellphone.
I will write about some ways to get out safely in a future blog. For now, BEWARE THE JAILOR.
“Don’t be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes.” (Nehemiah 4:14b)