I Survived a Blended Family
When we were just married and on our honeymoon, my husband received a call from his ex-wife saying he had better take their oldest son or she and her new husband would send him to a boy’s home. Of course, we couldn’t let that happen. So, as a new wife, I was suddenly tasked with helping my husband raise his 15-year-old son.
I was 24 and my husband was 37. I was too young, in love and naïve to understand what I was getting into by marrying a divorced man with children. So began my life in a blended family. Nine years my stepson’s senior, I was sure I’d be able to be the best stepmom and help this teenager navigate life. Little did I know that would not be the case. He fought my discipline, refused to listen, was disrespectful, and extremely messy. This teenager took over my house and I was frustrated and angry. My husband was a very kind man, loved his kids dearly and was stuck in the middle between his son and new wife. We had different discipline styles. I was strict and he wasn’t so much. The only time we fought was about the kids. The typical thing other couples fight about were not issues for us, only the kids.
Two years later, my stepdaughter (who was also 15 at the time) moved in. Since she was a girl, I was sure we would have a good relationship and she’d respect and appreciate my guidance and discipline. Not so much. She was very rebellious and determined to do her own thing which included drugs, staying out very late, skipping school and refusing discipline. My husband and I were at a loss what to do.
At that time, blended families were in the minority. All but one of my friends had traditional families. Being in a blended family wasn’t new for me. My parents were divorced, and my dad was married 4 times. I was used to a split family as a kid and dealing with stepparents. But as an adult dealing with three stepchildren, my husband’s ex-wife, and my husband’s lack of discipline, I felt I was doing all the work and was very unappreciated.
I was putting my husband in a difficult situation by demanding my own way in my household. I wanted the kids to act the way I assumed they should and my husband to back me up on every discipline decision. I was not the nicest person to be around for anyone in our home.
My nagging went on for years. One day it became too much for my husband. He was not a violent or mean person. He was soft hearted and kind, and rarely showed his anger. But after another nagging episode, my husband walked into the living room and kicked our very heavy coffee table, loaded with plants, causing it to completely turn over sending the plants all over the room. Dirt and plants were everywhere. I had never seen my husband react that way, so I just started laughing, which he didn’t appreciated. He apologized for his actions but stated he couldn’t take the negativity anymore. I learned my lesson and never nagged again. From that point I approached him calmly and we discussed the issues with respect.
Although the nagging stopped, I still put him in the middle between myself and the kids. I felt he always took their side. Finally, he made it very clear that he was tired of being put in the middle and we needed to figure something out. That opened my eyes to understand how my selfishness was hurting him and the kids. I finally understood his love for his kids didn’t mean he loved me any less. Those two situations among others, were momentous learning situations for me.
My husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness after we’d been married 13 years. I wasn’t sure what my relationship with my three stepchildren would be like after he was gone. They were all still finding their way and making poor decisions and we weren’t connecting well. I doubted we would continue having a relationship after he died. However, before my husband died my stepdaughter thanked me for being the most constant person in her life and I realized that some of what I was trying to do with my stepchildren was working.
That was many years ago. I often think that I would have done things so much differently as a wife and a stepmom if I knew then what I know now. Being a part of a stepfamily is one of the hardest things a person can do. Unfortunately, stepfamilies are getting to be the norm in our society. Still, nobody tells you how to do it. Most people just jump in and hope for the best.
If I were to do it again, I would:
o Be more understanding of my husband’s position being put in the middle.
o Come to a compromise about discipline instead of demanding my way.
o Try to understand what my stepchildren were going through dealing with stepparents on both sides and having their family break apart.
o Listen to them without always giving unsolicited advice.
o Spend time in deep conversation with my husband trying to understand his feelings and trusting him to be the husband and father he needed to be.
Having a blended family is difficult, but it’s not always a disaster. In fact, when they gel, and the rough places are worked out it can be a great experience.
To survive a blended family, several things are necessary.
1. Communication. Stay off the defensive and listen to each other. Try to understand what both your spouse and the children involved are saying.
2. Don’t demand your own way. Try to make it a win-win situation where everyone’s needs are understood, and compromise is met.
3. Don’t put your spouse in the middle between you and their children. Understand that the biological parent has a deep love and connection with their children, but it doesn’t mean they love you any less.
4. Don’t put your children in the middle between you and your ex. Let the kids be kids and don’t put parental issues on them or make them give messages to your ex.
5. Be patient. It can take up to 6 or 8 years for a blended family to really gel and work out the kinks.
6. Get premarital counseling and premarital family counseling. It’s not only important to understand what you and your future spouse are getting into before you tie the knot, but also for the children to understand and be prepared.
7. Get marriage and family counseling if the knot has already been tied. Counseling will help with communication and navigating some very difficult issues that only blended families have.
8. Understand that your ex and their significant others will probably parent differently than you. Don’t waste your energy being angry and trying to change them, it won’t happen. Instead focus on being the most consistent and healthy parent you can be so the children know what to expect every time they see you.
9. If possible, try to be on the same page with your spouse when it comes to your children. When you and your ex are co-parenting in a healthy way, the children benefit immensely.
10. Other than God, the marriage should always come first. If you put your children before the marriage, chances of marital failure are high. You and your new spouse must be on the same page as much as possible with discipline, structure, and expectations. If not, deal with your conflict where the children can’t see or hear and work out a compromise. Most children will take advantage of any division they sense in the marriage. A healthy marriage flows down to the children and life is calmer and the children are happier.
11. Don’t give up. It takes time but it’s worth it.
My husband died some years ago and my relationship with my adult stepchildren is very healthy. They all live in different areas of the country, but we are in contact often and visit each other whenever possible. They have all turned out to be responsible, successful adults and I am very proud of them. I would have never believed so long ago we would have the relationship we have now.
Blended families are extremely difficult and not for the faint of heart. But if you hang in there, it’s worth it.